HazyDaze

I called GL and told her that I’m feeling crap again. She suggested that I should go out and have some fresh air. Although she had like a million things to do today, she was such a sweetie to go out with me.

We had so much fun and bought so much things. I know, I am suppose to save money for the future…but heck, I bought only the essentials and what’s best - it’s all on sales!

Although we’re suppose to leave Parkway by 8pm, because GL needs to go home to have dinner and do her stuff. But, we were still at the fitting room at 8.15. Hahaa…

Anyway, since we were running late and I promised KL that I should be back by 8pm, we paid for our purchases and left for home. I bought dinner home too. I finished my noodles - first time I finished my food since I came back from my trip.

Gosh…maybe retail therapy do work. In fact, maybe the cause of my mood is not KL. I think maybe coz I have not bought anything for a long time…plus I had to control like mad when I was on holiday - Retail Deficiency!

I’m feeling so much better now, I feel hungry again.

I called GL and told her that I’m feeling crap again. She suggested that I should go out and have some fresh air. Although she had like a million things to do today, she was such a sweetie to go out with me.

We had so much fun and bought so much things. I know, I am suppose to save money for the future…but heck, I bought only the essentials and what’s best - it’s all on sales!

Although we’re suppose to leave Parkway by 8pm, because GL needs to go home to have dinner and do her stuff. But, we were still at the fitting room at 8.15. Hahaa…

Anyway, since we were running late and I promised KL that I should be back by 8pm, we paid for our purchases and left for home. I bought dinner home too. I finished my noodles - first time I finished my food since I came back from my trip.

Gosh…maybe retail therapy do work. In fact, maybe the cause of my mood is not KL. I think maybe coz I have not bought anything for a long time…plus I had to control like mad when I was on holiday - Shopping Deficiency!

My yoga teacher scolded me today…not once, but twice! While doing my head stand, she came up to me and said, “Don’t over strain yourself. You don’t look very good today.” I ignored her and carried on.

After a while, my classmate sitting beside me said, “Girl, you are panting very heavily, you should stop and rest. Don’t extert yourself.” I ignored that too.

Towards the end of the class, my teacher came to me and said, “I told you to take it easy already, What’s wrong with you? If you injuire yourself, you only have yourself to blame.” I assued her that I’m fine. She then asked, “Are you stressed out?”

Wow…even my yoga teacher can sense it! She then went on to explain that yoga is about breathing and about peace. If my mind and heart is not at peace, I will injuire myself. She then went on to talk about how stressful is the modern world and the youths’ lifestyle. She asked me to do lots of ‘quiet sitting’ and concentrate on my breathing.

I really can’t! My head and heart is not settled. I’m still very troubled!

It’s hard enough to be back home alone without him. I live with my crazy parents and work for an incompetent manager. My pull factor to Melbourne is so damn strong right now.

I have never felt so miserable since we hugged goodbye at Tullamarine Airport about 3 years ago. That was simply the most horrible experience ever - I took the plane back alone. Although, I have since taken the plane alone to and fro Melbourne, I remembered I sobbed uncontrollably that day.

While back to reality barely 2 weeks, I been feeling down. DW and I have a way of rating our moods - zero (0) being suicidal, five (5) being average normal and ten(10) being over the hill happy. It has been between 0-5 on the mood meter since I returned 2 weeks ago. Honestly, I think last tuesday was the worse, mood meter read - ZERO! What’s the point of living when you can’t be with the one you love? And you think it’s worse when that someone else loves you back but can’t do anything to be with you.

My fustration leaked to the office. Everyone knows I’m fustrated but they all think it’s because of our idiotic manager. I so desperately want to quit now and take the next plane to be with him. But rationale sets in, we need the money. We desperately need the money. Believe me, I’ve been waiting for the day where I get to spend the money his earns. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the fortune to do so. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean otherwise, neither do I mean that I wanna sit back and relax and spend his hard earn money, but merely, waiting for things to fall into place.

We talked about our future briefly…oh….rather, I talked and he listens. He gave me the feeling that he wants everything to happen before things can happen. Confusing huh? Yeah, confuses me too.

All I know is that I love him and I want to be with him, even if it means not marrying him.

….DAMN! Can I take that back?

One of the other reasons (besides the million and one reasons) why I hate being back in Singapore and not in Melbourne is that I feel so left out. Left out of every damn thing. Even the little goodbye email sent by a friend.

*sigh…just like when I was younger…always the last to know and never a participant.

Life is honestly full of crap and sucks really bad!

I went for my breast ultra sound yesterday and had my result today - all clear. No lumps. YEAH!! The last 2 times for the last 2 years, everytime I do an ultra sound, they sure to find at least 1 lump and I had to waste time, money and energy and not to mention the stress to remove it and do a biopsy on it.

I should be happy coz of the good news, but somehow I’m feeling crap. Been feeling crap for the last week or so. I think yesterday was the worst.

KL have been studying overseas for 3 years and I have gotten used to it already. But somehow, this time round, I feel very miserable. Maybe as bad as the first time he went. It is so strange.

Getting all angry with myself lately. Why am I so useless? Why can’t I save enough money to buy us a home in Melbourne so that we can have at least place to live in. Why am I so useless? 9 years together and still struggling? Why can’t we be together?

Life is full of crap!

I miss you so much it hurts really badly.

Fireworks always remind me of grandma. Every national day when there’s fireworks, we’ll run off to the stairswell together just to watch that spectacular explosion in the dark sky. She would point towards the sky and tell me which ones she loves and simply smile.

Oh, I miss her so much. I wish she was still around to witness my wedding with KL. I miss you so much.

2 weeks in Melbourne and only after a big fight and a few days before leaving that we seriously sat down to discuss the wedding plans.

At first, the plan early this year was to elope and get married. Come back to Singapore and then announce. Then, we decided to just asked the parents to come in Oct for his graduation and surprise them by going together to the registry of marriage to witness the legal procedure. We finally scrap those plans because, it means that I have to return back home alone although married. Pretty depressing!

So we planned for a December celebration in Melbourne, however, we realised that by that time, everything might not have fallen into place in terms of settling down, getting own place to stay and basically moving there. Also, December seemed rather rush too. Heck, since I have waited for 9 years to marry this idiot, what harm is more waiting? So, I bravely suggested June 2005. Guess what, he was visibly relieved. Again, since there is no rush, he sink back into comfort zone.

Well, I didn’t care, I insisted that since I was there, I wanted to find out more. I made bridal enquires and then even book for appointments with a couple of upmarket bridal boutiques. That Friday, we went to Jane Hill and Mariana Hardwick. At Mariana Hardwick, that’s where it stole my heart and made him stand up and ‘wow’ over me.

The service was excellent at Mariana Hardwick. Suzy asked me lots of questions before I choose my gowns, wedding date, venue, and what is my theme (i didn’t know), what sort of ideas I had in mind, etc. She then asked me to choose a few gowns I like and even made me try some that I would have never imagine trying. It was really fun. Suzy did a little bit to my hair with flowers and a matching veil, gave me some accessories to match, matching shoes and then taught me how to hold my gown before stepping out to show KL. The first gown I tried made KL stood up from the chair and froze. It was a wonderful feeling looking at myself with the wedding gown. The second gown is called ‘Sabrina’, the gown I chose, She did my hair again and asked me if I would be wearing any family heirloom or any particular accessories, I told Suzy that KL’s aunt is getting me a string of pearls and then her eye brighten and got me pearls to wear. I stepped out for the second time and then I saw KL’s jaw went loose. I told him that I love this gown, he couldn’t find the words to say and stood there motionless staring. I walked around a bit and then came back to him. At that time, Suzy had already told him that I look so feminine and classy in this that he simply agreed nodding his head. It was only after a while that he said, “You look so beautiful. I love this gown too.” It was really exciting because, I have not seen KL look at me this way before. Nope, not in the last 9 years. How sad huh?

Anyway, after spending about nearly 2 hours trying on close to 10 different gowns, we finally narrowed down the search to 3 gowns. Our favorite is still the ғabrinaӮ The price quoted was AUD 3,895 without the veil. *Gosh! Our budget was AUD 2,500. I was really disappointed although KL assured me that we can stretch our budget as it is worth it. How sweet! The next day, we had an appointment with Caroline, a highly recommended dressmaker. I described the dress and she showed me many different materials, laces, etcɦinally the price quoted РAUD 2,630 or 2,320(less expensive materials).

At the end, I still left Melbourne half hearted. Iնe been dreaming of ԓabrinaՠevery night. However, Iխ keeping my options open and trying to save as much money as possible now. Gosh, wedding preparation is damn stressful and having limited funds with little parental financial assistance is worst. Well, at least I have 11months to stave myself in order to save money and lose weight for the wedding.

Reality sets in yet again. For the last 3 weeks, I have been living in a dream. Loving, holding, kissing and smelling that special someone. It’s a beautiful dream. Dreams of that special one hugging me to sleep everynight, covering me with blanket and making sure my tummy is warm at night, keeping me warm in the middle of winter and making me yummy breakfast in the morning.

What beautiful dream…

“What the point of loving someone when you can’t be by his side?”

The KFC here is really great! The original is fresh, juicy and crispy, but a bit too oily. Nevertheless, it’s still awesome!

Oh…forgot to mention. I’m in Melbourne now, since 25th June. Been spending a lot of quality time with KL. This trip is essentially important to me especially because I hope to resolve some personal matters before I return back home. I don’t know. Nothing is happening yet. *sigh….I’ll be returning on 11 July.