At this age, I suffer very bad PMS. It never was that bad until recently lately. I’m not even talking about craving for chocolate or even getting moody.
When I am ovulating, I want to kill people on minute, the other minute, I feel very suicidal. Yes, it does sounds extreme, but I know how it feels, so I am sure its bad.
My usual PMS moodiness, I can usually control with chocolate, yelling or even retail therapy. The last few days, I’ve thought about quitting my job and drown myself in self pity at home. Yesterday, I thought of jumping into the yarra river. Today, I was crying at work uncontrollably (non-provoked). I think it’s bad. Last time I felt so horrible, I failed my exams and felt there is no redemption.
People around me, including KL and Co, probably don’t know about how I feel the last few days. I made it a point to hide it well. I miss my support unit. I call Dad everyday since last week - even if it was to hear him yelling at his storeboys on the fone. I called BS yesterday at work, but I didn’t tell him much - its nice just to hear him talk rubbish. I miss his nonsense.
The past days events made my “condition” worse. I really don’t know how to describe it because I never felt like that before.
Today, I heard Flaming Lips’ - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots on KL’s iPod. I love it. (try youtube for a sample)
Ridiculous song.
Impossible lyrics.
Catchy tune
Romantic melody.
Made me bawl so hard at work I went to the toilet to cry even more. Came out with Clare asking if I have seen a doctor about my sore-eyes (I wore glasses to work)
I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow since I’ll be seeing her. Maybe she’ll recommend me something like those menopausal women take to stop hormones production. I know I might grow a moustache. The usual me would be sour and say, “Menopause now also no harm, not having any children anyway.” But strangely, my heart tells me, “God has a plan for everyone. Maybe mine was to be one of those loving couples that grow old together without kids. Maybe I was meant to love all children instead of my own.”
Okay now, let me go kitchen and cry now.
