HazyDaze

Haven’t really spent much time with KL for over a month.

2 weeks away in Amsterdam.
Week before, I was in Addy for work
Week before that, he was up in the mountains snowboarding with friends.
Week before his snowboarding trip, he was busy with preparation for Amsterdam and sourcing snow gear.

Seriously. We haven’t really had couple time for a long long long time. However, I find it easier to miss KL this time. Interestingly, my boss is on leave this whole week and my admin lady is rather slack and hardly come in. Other than being terribly busy at work, I have no one to talk to. To add to that, Co, my friend, has gotten rather “tau” lately and constantly needing to be coax to hanging out and I really can’t be bothered. I go for my pilates/yoga classes straight after work and then home. I eat my dinner in front of my computer watching my movies, wash up and goes right to bed after. Everyday is a repeat of the previous night. I don’t even call Dad often now. I don’t know what’s happening with me. I’m not even PMS-ing or hormonal. I’m not sad or suicidal. I’m just.

For a long time now, I’ve concluded that my worse fear is loneliness. However, I seemed totally at ease when I’m left on my own, being the only child with both parents working. I realised I switched back to my ‘alone’ mode almost immediately once there is a need. In my ‘alone’ mode, I am more alert and suddenly, a lighter sleeper. I am also now totally comfortable with the darkness of the night and the stillness of the room. Keeping to my side of the bed and know that I only have my own warmth to keep my toes warm at night, I wear socks to sleep now.

I’m not sure if I like this current state but I know I can depend on myself and myself only if need be. Of course, I’m still glad I have Daddy, BS & NL and also GL when I need the occasional gossip and ramblings.

When I was younger, I dream of getting married, having a family and home of my own. I always thought because I’m such a girly girl to have such a thought, but now I wonder if it is because I worry about being alone. I used to pity people who are not married and live alone. And wondered how they ever survive without companionship. Now I know, they probably are used to the quiet. Sometimes I think it is better that way for some people - it can be heartbreaking and painful to be with someone. However, if I had a choice, I rather to have love and hurt than to never feel at all.

I think I’m still afraid of being alone. But for now, I know I’ll be alright. I know my survival instinct will somehow kick in even if I resist it.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 12th, 2007 at 9:11 pm and is filed under Ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.