HazyDaze

I officially look pregnant then fat now.

Sad part is, I lost my waist. I look like a Tree trunk now. Kate at work said I better not be wearing green top with brown pants.

Stressed this week again. Even without my parents living with me, they can still annoy me. They threaten not to come in August because I “control” them too much. They don’t like it.

Being threaten not to come in August took a toll on me today. I hate being threaten. I decided that I should seek my own way out of this. Realising that there is no such thing as Confinement Nanny in KoalaLand added to the stress. Options of importing my own, means money.

One other option was KL’s mum. Eek! Seriously, I rather bite off my own arm then to have her come and run the household while I am down for a month. If she was nice to me in the beginning, I will welcome her. Most people know I am very accommodating and generally easy to get along.

Yelled and crying so much at work, I begin to think it’s the hormones again. Poor KL must be pretty stressed out by me today too. Sorry.

Called the hospital and they told me that I am still on the waiting list. Apparently, contrary to my previous telephone call a month ago, they said my chances are pretty slim. Not being able to give birth in my first choice of hospital dashed my dreams of ever giving birth in a catholic hospital. Dealing the the receptionist at the doctor’s office made my day worse. I guess I have to give birth in the streets then.

Last month, KL’s mum nicely asked if I wanted anything for Aunty Stella to bring back in March for me. I told her I don’t mind some tonic, mainly Bird’s nest if possible. In her fone call over the weekend revealed that she got me 2 bottles. Right. Enough to last me till the end of my pregnancy. She claimed it is concentrated and I need to water it down. Years ago when I was living with KL, she made KL’s sister drink a bottle of that “concentrated” bird’s nest EVERY NIGHT. Guess I am different. Not her daughter.

I called my dad to ask him to buy me more and got Uncle Kenny to pass it to KL’s mum to then give it to Aunty Stella. My parents already got me some when they came but I need to stock up. Been reading the nutritional properties they have for pregnancy and post pregnancy is amazing. Besides, I really like the taste of it.

Explained to KL that I am not deliberately dissing his mother, but just solving a problem. I hope he knows its not deliberate. Sometimes, I think he side his mother/family more. Sometimes, I think he don’t step out of the ring to see who is right or wrong. It is easier to think that it is just a plain mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law problem. Mainly, he has to see that it is not that simple. I’m always glad I have great friends in GL and BS/NL to see that KL’s family are actually how I describe them to be. Aunty Anna and Uncle Kenny can see that too. Even though Aunty Anna is KL’s mother’s sister.

Sometimes wish KL was supporting me instead of “trying” to be fair and trying to be impartial by stepping aside. It doesn’t work that way.

Parents have gone home. They gave me so much stress when they were here. Wonder how am I going to handle when they come in August. Started puking badly on Monday when I had a big fight with the folks. *sigh… Sometimes I wish Dad would put his ego aside and see the bigger picture.

Had a few advice from friends and even my boss and I decided to let go. Boss said that once I begin treating them like adults, they will start treating me like one too. I hope so. But at the end of the day, they always think they are right and I don’t know better. Seriously, I’m carrying a child now. I’m freaking in my 30s, married and living abroad.

Most people knows of my pregnancy now. Had meals with a big group of friends and they started giving the baby names. People speculating the sex. Brands said that he can tell the sex and begin asking if we did it doggy-style. We stopped him there. Jo said he wants to get Gucci booties. Yeah right!

Strangers, friends and even colleagues started molesting me. Okay, my tummy. I still look fat than pregnant. Co calls me Fatty.

KL calls me Giraffe. Because of the way I bend to pick up things. Bending forward has increasingly becoming a difficult chore.

I am puking lesser each day. Well, at least not puking everyday like I was in the 1st trimester. Get really discouraging when I count those puke-less days and then puke, I have to start counting all over again. I hope I get better. Most people this time had already stop all nausea.

KL is back. But sick as a puppy. Must be the cold freezing weather in Japan and possibly the exhaustion from snowboarding.

Parents are here and we went Sinny. Parents are older and KL is sick. I’m the only one (although pregnant) seemed to be walking faster and tireless thru-out. Poor KL, no appetite and really restless.

Although it was suppose to be a holiday trip, fought with the folks a lot. Losing patience with them. Can’t quite understand how come they became like they are now. Is it my fault for leaving them and therefore deteriorating? KL kept telling me that they are just old and here for holiday so let them be.

I seriously hope that I will age gracefully and will not be so dependent on my kids.

Still eating quite little and still gagging. But good news is, puking is slowing reducing.

Picture of the queue at the flower shop on Valentine’s day 2008.

Last year, I had a bunch of roses from KL. But I posed with a bunch of broccoli for a picture.

This year, I got nothing from KL but I bought him chocolates. I spent my valentine’s day dinner with my parents as they were in town.

Spent the last few days with friends company but still, the weekend was still lonely.

Chinese New Year was lonely.

Waiting for KL to come home.

Still puking as normal and no appetite.

I woke up with feeling crap although I had no headache. Decided to call in sick and stay home. It is Cousin C1’s last day here so I bought her out for pancakes and more shopping while her friends went somewhere else.

It is nice hanging out with her. Cousin S1 wouldn’t approve. In fact, everyone thinks that Cousin C1 screwed me over once and should not be pardoned. Aiyoh. I am not like that. I barely remember grudges. I’m definitely not vengeful, however, I was of coz skeptical about her visit.

After she left about 12, I started to panic. My fridge was empty and I had to decide on lunch before I start gagging. Off to the supermarket I went. Bought a few things to last me for the week at least and then came home made lunch. Soon after, I started missing KL and feeling sorry for myself. To avoid any unnecessary tears, I went to take a nap.

KL called me and woke me up. I begin crying and couldn’t control myself. I felt so lonely as if the walls were closing in. The room felt dark and gloomy. I told KL to come home early once he had enough fun. I felt bad saying that because, it like directly telling him that I want him home now or sooner.

KL asked me to call the airline to change his flights for him. I felt bad but got really excited at the same time. At the end of that evening, I managed to change KL’s flight to Sunday - about 2 days ahead of his planned schedule. I seriously hope he don’t resent me for that.

I felt so much better after knowing that KL is coming home sooner than expected. Although my tears stopped, my eyes was red and sore from before.

I’m still struggling to come to terms that I am directly the cause of KL shortening his fun in Japan. I secretly wish that he had wanted to do so himself on his own accord than to have me suggest that to him. I told Co about it the next day, she said that it doesn’t matter who initiated it as at the end of the day, the baby in my stomach would not have to tahan my depression for the remaining days. If I am happy, baby would be happy. Being sad and depressed will somehow have some negative effect to the growing bub inside me. I guess she is right but I really don’t want to be one of those wife who restrict her husband. And, I seriously hope KL is alright with the change and not resent me.

I slept well that night.

Woke up with an even bigger headache. Felt like a hangover. Drove in the crazy peak hour traffic and thought about how patient KL is every morning.

Cousin C1 and her friends headed out to GOR in the wee hours of the morning - 5am. Mad!

Upon reaching office, I realised half my table is gone. Damn those office reno. So the whole of today was spent picking up files from the floor because I kept putting my file on my imaginary table. ARGH! My belly is showing and pregnant woman finds it difficult to bend down okay?

Had a bad lunch today. Leftover from yesterday. Bought pastry for tea but felt gross and didn’t eat much.

After a long meeting, I came out with a even more severe headache and decided to call my Gyne. He asked me to take panadol and go home rest. He also suggested neck and foot massage. Missing KL again. He also instructed me to stay home tomorrow if I still wake up with a headache. Apparently, my hormones level is higher and therefore I get headaches. In addition, stress don’t help much too.

Took some panadol and met Cousin in the city. Felt better so I could actually shop with her. Rather, watch her shop. We went Mekong for some beef pho and apparently, she is having so much problem with meals with her travel mates. One of them don’t eat beef, the other don’t take pork and the last one, can’t stand seafood. My family eats everything. Well, normal stuff. Glad she loves her beef. She was talking nonstop about her life and the men in her life. I was getting exhausted and needed to sleep.

We left the place and pick her friends and went home. It was great that KL called because I missed him so much.

Tonight, I slept at 3am. Of coz I was exhausted. But Cousin C1, was still chatting with me. Goodnight.

Woke up really early this morning to hug KL before he leaves for the airport. Normally I could just fall right back into slumber but I just couldn’t. The blogsphere was slow and there was nothing on the news wite. I lay in bed thinking abt KL and fell asleep.

He called me when he reached Sinny while waiting for the connecting flight. I miss his voice. He told me that he love my sleepy voice. I reminisce those lonely nights on the fone with each other. I couldn’t sleep anymore so I was up and about at 9am. That is extremely early for me. I had some cereal and prepared my next meal - porridge. I chatted with friends online and forgot abt the stove. By that time, the kitchen was already smoking and my porridge was burnt. First time I had to cook since November when I discovered I was pregnant, I burnt the easiest thing to cook ever. *sigh… I miss KL.

I gave up and used canned porridge instead. Did some laundry and got really tired so I took a short nap. I woke up and went to church in the city. Been missing mass for a while now because I have been feeling crappy. Since I felt better today, I went for mass. After mass, I met with Co and her friend for dinner. Didn’t quite eat much for dinner. Wonder if its because I miss KL or because of the baby.

Cousin C1 met me in the city. She is visiting Melly and staying with me for 2 nights. It was alright, she updated me with her life and I’m happy for her current situation. I don’t know if I could be as strong as her. She also complained abt her travel mates and I guess, its always hard to find a good travel buddy. I know KL is my best travel mate. Although I think I might be travel mate from hell but in my defence, I need only a clean bed and bathroom. Everything else is secondary.

Anyway, its good to have company when KL is away. It distracts me from thinking about missing him. In fact, Cousin C1 talk so much, she tires me out so I fall asleep very quickly. I’ll go sleep now and try to sleep off my headache.

Feeling really vulnerable and emotional today. Watching KL pack his luggage for his ski trip felt as if I was watching him literally leaving me for good. Tears and fear poured down. I’m such a drama queen. Somehow I was trying to overwrite my hormones with rationality. But I just couldn’t make it work.

KL was helpless and suggested canceling his trip. I couldn’t help but feel really selfish. I kept assuring him that its the hormones and he shouldn’t cancel the trip. But I guess with tears in my eyes, I didn’t do a great job and he felt worse.

We tried to get distracted by going out for dinner and it sort of worked. Upon return, he cleverly packed the remainder of his stuff while I was in the shower so I don’t have to witness him packing.

I really don’t know. I can’t expect him to understand how I feel at the moment and definitely can’t expect KL to do what I wish he would. I have to let him go do this thing.

Don’t think I should drive him to the airport also. I need my sleep. Baby needs his sleep. Otherwise, I would wake up puking. Besides, its probably best that he takes a cab there. I might not handle very well when I have to drive myself back home with my tears filled eyes.

Going to sleep and probably wake up with really puffy eyes.