HazyDaze

I’m back in Melly. I had a great time back in SunnyLand. I still can’t believe that 16 days past by so fast. It was quite relaxing compared to previous trips. The first week was really boring and the heat didn’t help. Second week, my schedule was nearly full with meeting people.

Met with a lot of people who I don’t normally meet. Spent some good times with my friends. Quality time with Daddy and Mummy. Shopped in sections of the departmental stores I normally won’t venture into. All in all, it was great.

I wasn’t the most comfortable in Sunnyland. Although I have cankles, insomnia and chest tightness thru-out the whole trip, I think the worse part was trying to squat in the kopitiam toilet.

We had so much good food and I really enjoyed myself. For the record, I gained nearly 7kg during that 2 weeks. I don’t think I ate extraordinarily a lot, but I guess the baby is fattening himself up. Part of the weight probably is due to my water retention.

The flight back wasn’t as comfortable but at least it is not as bad as I imagine. It’s great that KL stayed up with me and walk about with me on the plane. I couldn’t stop sobbing in the airport after waving to my family and friends. Up till I board, I was still sobbing with passengers staring at me. I miss them so much already and they are my pillar of support. I kept thinking that the next time when I return, it would all be different. At least I get to see Daddy in about 3 months time and I look forward to that.

Now that I am back home in Melly, my feet is still swollen, my face is still puffy and nothing fits me anymore. I am still waiting to deflate but I don’t know if I will or not. What’s scary is that I am tipping the scale to uncharted waters of 70kg. Never been before. Not too pleased with it though. As long as Baby is growing well with the weight then I guess, I have to live with it.

My appetite is definitely back.

I am eating watermelon and kit-kat at the same time right now.

Before that, I had fried rice for dinner.

I don’t want to gain unnecessary weight! ARGH!

Damn if I do, damn if I don’t.

I puked on Thursday after we had pizza. Last night, to save money, we had leftover pizza, but I only had one slice. I finished the whole bowl of salad though.

In the middle of the night, I kept feeling and hearing my stomach rumble. I was so hungry, I woke up. Went to pee and sat on the bed eat my crackers with ribena at 3.30am.

Woke up this morning feeling hungry again but guess what? KL made me pancakes with sausages and scramble eggs, I only managed a wee bit before I concussed back to bed again.

I’m feeling weird today. Might be sick coz I’m sneezing a bit. Feeling down coz everything seems so bleak. Still, I force myself to wake up from nap to go out for some baby shopping/research.

Still feel rather bleh. Seriously don’t know whats wrong with me. I can’t sit still for long and I can’t lie down for long. Legs get tired when I walk too much and stand too long. Cramping feeling the whole week and breathlessness every second.

I officially look pregnant then fat now.

Sad part is, I lost my waist. I look like a Tree trunk now. Kate at work said I better not be wearing green top with brown pants.

Stressed this week again. Even without my parents living with me, they can still annoy me. They threaten not to come in August because I “control” them too much. They don’t like it.

Being threaten not to come in August took a toll on me today. I hate being threaten. I decided that I should seek my own way out of this. Realising that there is no such thing as Confinement Nanny in KoalaLand added to the stress. Options of importing my own, means money.

One other option was KL’s mum. Eek! Seriously, I rather bite off my own arm then to have her come and run the household while I am down for a month. If she was nice to me in the beginning, I will welcome her. Most people know I am very accommodating and generally easy to get along.

Yelled and crying so much at work, I begin to think it’s the hormones again. Poor KL must be pretty stressed out by me today too. Sorry.

Called the hospital and they told me that I am still on the waiting list. Apparently, contrary to my previous telephone call a month ago, they said my chances are pretty slim. Not being able to give birth in my first choice of hospital dashed my dreams of ever giving birth in a catholic hospital. Dealing the the receptionist at the doctor’s office made my day worse. I guess I have to give birth in the streets then.

Last month, KL’s mum nicely asked if I wanted anything for Aunty Stella to bring back in March for me. I told her I don’t mind some tonic, mainly Bird’s nest if possible. In her fone call over the weekend revealed that she got me 2 bottles. Right. Enough to last me till the end of my pregnancy. She claimed it is concentrated and I need to water it down. Years ago when I was living with KL, she made KL’s sister drink a bottle of that “concentrated” bird’s nest EVERY NIGHT. Guess I am different. Not her daughter.

I called my dad to ask him to buy me more and got Uncle Kenny to pass it to KL’s mum to then give it to Aunty Stella. My parents already got me some when they came but I need to stock up. Been reading the nutritional properties they have for pregnancy and post pregnancy is amazing. Besides, I really like the taste of it.

Explained to KL that I am not deliberately dissing his mother, but just solving a problem. I hope he knows its not deliberate. Sometimes, I think he side his mother/family more. Sometimes, I think he don’t step out of the ring to see who is right or wrong. It is easier to think that it is just a plain mother-in-law vs daughter-in-law problem. Mainly, he has to see that it is not that simple. I’m always glad I have great friends in GL and BS/NL to see that KL’s family are actually how I describe them to be. Aunty Anna and Uncle Kenny can see that too. Even though Aunty Anna is KL’s mother’s sister.

Sometimes wish KL was supporting me instead of “trying” to be fair and trying to be impartial by stepping aside. It doesn’t work that way.

I woke up with feeling crap although I had no headache. Decided to call in sick and stay home. It is Cousin C1’s last day here so I bought her out for pancakes and more shopping while her friends went somewhere else.

It is nice hanging out with her. Cousin S1 wouldn’t approve. In fact, everyone thinks that Cousin C1 screwed me over once and should not be pardoned. Aiyoh. I am not like that. I barely remember grudges. I’m definitely not vengeful, however, I was of coz skeptical about her visit.

After she left about 12, I started to panic. My fridge was empty and I had to decide on lunch before I start gagging. Off to the supermarket I went. Bought a few things to last me for the week at least and then came home made lunch. Soon after, I started missing KL and feeling sorry for myself. To avoid any unnecessary tears, I went to take a nap.

KL called me and woke me up. I begin crying and couldn’t control myself. I felt so lonely as if the walls were closing in. The room felt dark and gloomy. I told KL to come home early once he had enough fun. I felt bad saying that because, it like directly telling him that I want him home now or sooner.

KL asked me to call the airline to change his flights for him. I felt bad but got really excited at the same time. At the end of that evening, I managed to change KL’s flight to Sunday - about 2 days ahead of his planned schedule. I seriously hope he don’t resent me for that.

I felt so much better after knowing that KL is coming home sooner than expected. Although my tears stopped, my eyes was red and sore from before.

I’m still struggling to come to terms that I am directly the cause of KL shortening his fun in Japan. I secretly wish that he had wanted to do so himself on his own accord than to have me suggest that to him. I told Co about it the next day, she said that it doesn’t matter who initiated it as at the end of the day, the baby in my stomach would not have to tahan my depression for the remaining days. If I am happy, baby would be happy. Being sad and depressed will somehow have some negative effect to the growing bub inside me. I guess she is right but I really don’t want to be one of those wife who restrict her husband. And, I seriously hope KL is alright with the change and not resent me.

I slept well that night.

Woke up with an even bigger headache. Felt like a hangover. Drove in the crazy peak hour traffic and thought about how patient KL is every morning.

Cousin C1 and her friends headed out to GOR in the wee hours of the morning - 5am. Mad!

Upon reaching office, I realised half my table is gone. Damn those office reno. So the whole of today was spent picking up files from the floor because I kept putting my file on my imaginary table. ARGH! My belly is showing and pregnant woman finds it difficult to bend down okay?

Had a bad lunch today. Leftover from yesterday. Bought pastry for tea but felt gross and didn’t eat much.

After a long meeting, I came out with a even more severe headache and decided to call my Gyne. He asked me to take panadol and go home rest. He also suggested neck and foot massage. Missing KL again. He also instructed me to stay home tomorrow if I still wake up with a headache. Apparently, my hormones level is higher and therefore I get headaches. In addition, stress don’t help much too.

Took some panadol and met Cousin in the city. Felt better so I could actually shop with her. Rather, watch her shop. We went Mekong for some beef pho and apparently, she is having so much problem with meals with her travel mates. One of them don’t eat beef, the other don’t take pork and the last one, can’t stand seafood. My family eats everything. Well, normal stuff. Glad she loves her beef. She was talking nonstop about her life and the men in her life. I was getting exhausted and needed to sleep.

We left the place and pick her friends and went home. It was great that KL called because I missed him so much.

Tonight, I slept at 3am. Of coz I was exhausted. But Cousin C1, was still chatting with me. Goodnight.

Woke up really early this morning to hug KL before he leaves for the airport. Normally I could just fall right back into slumber but I just couldn’t. The blogsphere was slow and there was nothing on the news wite. I lay in bed thinking abt KL and fell asleep.

He called me when he reached Sinny while waiting for the connecting flight. I miss his voice. He told me that he love my sleepy voice. I reminisce those lonely nights on the fone with each other. I couldn’t sleep anymore so I was up and about at 9am. That is extremely early for me. I had some cereal and prepared my next meal - porridge. I chatted with friends online and forgot abt the stove. By that time, the kitchen was already smoking and my porridge was burnt. First time I had to cook since November when I discovered I was pregnant, I burnt the easiest thing to cook ever. *sigh… I miss KL.

I gave up and used canned porridge instead. Did some laundry and got really tired so I took a short nap. I woke up and went to church in the city. Been missing mass for a while now because I have been feeling crappy. Since I felt better today, I went for mass. After mass, I met with Co and her friend for dinner. Didn’t quite eat much for dinner. Wonder if its because I miss KL or because of the baby.

Cousin C1 met me in the city. She is visiting Melly and staying with me for 2 nights. It was alright, she updated me with her life and I’m happy for her current situation. I don’t know if I could be as strong as her. She also complained abt her travel mates and I guess, its always hard to find a good travel buddy. I know KL is my best travel mate. Although I think I might be travel mate from hell but in my defence, I need only a clean bed and bathroom. Everything else is secondary.

Anyway, its good to have company when KL is away. It distracts me from thinking about missing him. In fact, Cousin C1 talk so much, she tires me out so I fall asleep very quickly. I’ll go sleep now and try to sleep off my headache.

KL got me this for Xmas. Nokia 6500 Classic. Chic! Because I’m so stingy, I only get myself a fone when my fone dies on me. KL knows I like this and since my fone refuse to go peacefully, we had to retire him early.

I feel so bad because I got him nothing and have been feeling down with morning sickness. He have been great help at home and taking care of me. I feel really bad.

KL went Japan for work this morning. I’m bored at home. But I did plenty of housework, including washing the toilet and mopping the floor. I even made lunch for the next 2 days.

No one to play Uno with me tonight.

Die lah.

I’m addicted to my Nintendogs that I wake up in the morning feeding my dog with my eyes half open.

Then guess what.

During work hours, I took my DS to the toilet and brought my virtual dog out of a walk.

I’m screwed.

I am addicted to my Nintendo DS Lite that I wish I have more time with it.

I even hid in the office toilet today and played with my Nintendogs. Hahaa.

Hi, I’m a Nintendo DS Lite addict.

Went to see a doctor today with KL. I’ve been coughing for over a week and KL have had the flu and cough for over a month.

Turns out, we had a viral infection. Weirdest part was, she prescribed Ventolin (inhaler for asthma) to us. It helped me with breathing better but, I’m still coughing badly at bedtime. She says, we just have to let it run its course.

I have been sleeping badly the last 2 nights due to the coughing fit. I cough so hard I started perspiring. The night before, I got out of bed to air myself in the living room and fell asleep there. Looked like I was kicked out of the room. Hah! KL thought I looked damn comfortable on the sofa bed.

Anyway, since we were at the doctor’s, KL asked to do a regular health check. Doctor suggested that he do his blood test first. I asked if I needed one since I’m such high risk in Diabetes. In addition, I said that might as well check if I healthy in case I get pregnant.

She asked if I was planning for a child. I said, “No, but if I get pregnant then I want to know that I am healthy for it.” How come it can’t be natural? As in, if I get pregnant, then Yeah. Otherwise, why must it be always planned? I know a lot of people planned to have kids and do all sorts of things to try to get pregnant. But is it not okay to just have it naturally?

Have we come to the stage where we have to control all things? Says me - the control freak.

I’m not sure if KL is freaked out about my conversation with the doctor. He is not comfortable in talking about babies and me getting pregnant.

So, anyway, my blood test also includes, Hep B+C, Syphillis, HIV, Rubella, VZV, Vit D serology. I don’t know if I should feel insulted or not.

I have 2 lines more on the form than KL. How come he don’t have to be tested for those? If anything, he would be the source of infection. NOT FAIR!!

KL came back on Friday. Still as sick before he left for his trip. Poor fella is coughing harder than ever.

I fell sick. All his fault. Stupid monkey!

Haven’t really spent much time with KL for over a month.

2 weeks away in Amsterdam.
Week before, I was in Addy for work
Week before that, he was up in the mountains snowboarding with friends.
Week before his snowboarding trip, he was busy with preparation for Amsterdam and sourcing snow gear.

Seriously. We haven’t really had couple time for a long long long time. However, I find it easier to miss KL this time. Interestingly, my boss is on leave this whole week and my admin lady is rather slack and hardly come in. Other than being terribly busy at work, I have no one to talk to. To add to that, Co, my friend, has gotten rather “tau” lately and constantly needing to be coax to hanging out and I really can’t be bothered. I go for my pilates/yoga classes straight after work and then home. I eat my dinner in front of my computer watching my movies, wash up and goes right to bed after. Everyday is a repeat of the previous night. I don’t even call Dad often now. I don’t know what’s happening with me. I’m not even PMS-ing or hormonal. I’m not sad or suicidal. I’m just.

For a long time now, I’ve concluded that my worse fear is loneliness. However, I seemed totally at ease when I’m left on my own, being the only child with both parents working. I realised I switched back to my ‘alone’ mode almost immediately once there is a need. In my ‘alone’ mode, I am more alert and suddenly, a lighter sleeper. I am also now totally comfortable with the darkness of the night and the stillness of the room. Keeping to my side of the bed and know that I only have my own warmth to keep my toes warm at night, I wear socks to sleep now.

I’m not sure if I like this current state but I know I can depend on myself and myself only if need be. Of course, I’m still glad I have Daddy, BS & NL and also GL when I need the occasional gossip and ramblings.

When I was younger, I dream of getting married, having a family and home of my own. I always thought because I’m such a girly girl to have such a thought, but now I wonder if it is because I worry about being alone. I used to pity people who are not married and live alone. And wondered how they ever survive without companionship. Now I know, they probably are used to the quiet. Sometimes I think it is better that way for some people - it can be heartbreaking and painful to be with someone. However, if I had a choice, I rather to have love and hurt than to never feel at all.

I think I’m still afraid of being alone. But for now, I know I’ll be alright. I know my survival instinct will somehow kick in even if I resist it.

3 more sleeps till he comes home.

One of us have been spending too much money on snow gear. The other one MUST try to save money by NOT shopping.

The doggie coin bank I bought last month will come to good use.

Today, I received my American Express Corporate Card as well as my personal Virgin Credit Card.

I don’t think it’s not such a good idea for me to have these cards at the moment.

My wallet is running out of space. Time for a new wallet maybe?

I’m sick at home. Thinking of KL’s newest purchase and basically his purchases in the last 2 years, makes me think really hard why I don’t I have “dreams” like that.

Well, KL is probably the luckiest bastard in the whole world. Ahem, and I don’t mean coz he married me.

In the short short span of 2 years, he’s gotten these:

- A Digital SLR Canon Camera + set up, etc
- Spanking new Gibson Guitar
- 24 inch Mac
- GPS
and now he has bought himself a new bicycle. Taken that his 30th is coming, I guess a little indulgence is okay. I got myself a $100 tattoo on my 30th.

I’m really envious. Envious that KL can just get whatever he wants. Co said that next time he buys something expensive, I should just go out to Gucci and get myself an equal amount branded bag. But I really can’t justify a branded bag. I really can’t. GL knows that too.

Anyway, feeling really delirious with fever last night, I thought about the 3 things I really wanted and been wanting for a very long time.

1. A Canon IXUS digital Camera -because my current camera is dying and I take load of pictures coz its always in my handbag where ever I go (been wanting it for over a year)

2. A pair of diamond studded earrings - coz I wear my mikimoto pearls everyday. The bad second hand yellowish-poor-excuse-of-a-diamond from KL’s mother is way too horrid to be wearing it. Simply because I love my BLINGS. (been wanting a diamond studded earrings since I first pierce my ears in primary school)

3. A Longines Watch - because I have never own a branded watch because and have been wearing my $30 Mustafa watch for the last 3 years and before that, under $100 Guess watches and before that plastic Swatch watches and EVEN before that, no brand watches. I think at age 30, I deserve a better watch no less. (waiting it since last year because other brands are way to expensive and too showy)

I don’t know if those 3 things deserve to be in the objects of desire list because they are neccessities.

My old faithful, $30 Casio Mustafa watch has died. Well, I think it will revive if I change the batteries.

If the batteries cost me $30, what should I do?

NL is going for her Lasik tomorrow I think. Silly girl go and book herself in on the same day BS is leaving for Germany. I wonder who is going to take care of her and Bailey now that even her MIL is in KoalaLand.

Whatever it is,

NL, you are so brave. I wish I had the guts to do it.

All KL’s fault for making me watch Clockwork Orange.